I Wish I’d Known This
A long time ago, in what now feels like a galaxy far faraway from my current life, I spent a lot of time in India being a ‘seeker’. In fact the name Yamini (meaning ‘night’) is from that era. I frequently visited the Osho commune in Pune and travelled from there to explore the breadth and depth of India.
What I was really seeking was a life to call mine.
This was a peak transformational period in my life – I explored the inner world and outer world with equal commitment. Think silent retreats, endless Indian train trips and pursuing countless love affairs amongst the backdrop of colourful and chaotic life in a changing India. In fact, I was in India during the solar eclipse of October 1995 which serendipitously occurred on the Diwali festival.
On one trip, I went north to Lucknow to sit with Papaji who was a teacher of self-enquiry as advocated by the renowned Indian sage Ramana Maharshi.
Why do I tell you this?
In the present time of my Sydney life, I’d really forgotten about the India chapter of my life. That was until a friend sent me a link to a talk on relationships and truth from Mooji who had been a student of Papaji’s. So many gems in a video that runs for just over 16 minutes but this one spoke to my heart and soul.
Something I wish I had the courage and confidence to take on board instead of spending valuable time chasing, waiting and longing for men. I wasted so much time on men who frankly weren’t worth my time and whom I can barely remember now. At the time though I projected my everything onto them, causing myself such needless heartache.
I look back now and see a young woman who didn’t know her power or think she had any. I projected so much onto men because I expected so little for myself. I projected so much onto men because I thought I wasn’t enough – time and energy was spent looking outside of myself for almost any man that I could project my lack onto.
It’s true to say that I pretty much responded to any man, mostly unsuitable and unavailable, who gave me attention without doing my own due diligence. Hence the heartbreak.
Present time, I have such compassion for the young woman I was and love for the woman I am today. Thankfully, and having had enough of suffering, I made a commitment to embody my power, agency and truth. In doing so, I found a life to call mine.
Back to Mooji
In these challenging times I really wanted to share this just over 16 minute video with you today. BTW, I’ve set the video to start at the time when Mooji shares the most beautiful gems about longing and love.
Nowadays GlobalWoman connects, champions and energises women across the world to find a life that is theirs. You can learn more here.
Much love to you x
Kathryn (formerly Yamini) xx